Time, Time, Time...

... is on my side.  The song highlighted by the movie "Fallen" is now so... eerie... when I hear it.

It also rings false.

Time isn't really on my side.  Or, rather - maybe I'm not on its.

I waste time.  I let it drip away, without holding true that which is true - the moment that I exist in.  Now.  Conceivably, I don't know if I've dreamed that which I've wanted metaphysically - only that which is tangible, that which if I tried hard enough... and worked hard enough... and manipulated hard enough... I could achieve.  I could grasp that which eludes me.  But some worldly principle - one that I respect and honor with the ounces which consume me - withholds me for taking advantage.  It's self-disappointing (and I'm sure it is indirectly to my wife and, for now, unknowingly to the kiddo), but I hold it true.  Dear.  It is the direction I've chosen - to work humbly and honorably at what I acheive.  (Yet, in the depths of my mind - or, rather my guilt - I know I haven't worked as honorably as others have in getting what they've gotten.)

My priorities are always scattered - anonymous - with little purpose and less cause.  I can throw it out that I'm not hardwired for that... that I never grew up that way... which has its own validity.  But I choose to keep this afloat frame of mind afoot.  I have decided subconsciously (which the easy way to adverb-tise it) to remain scattered, anonymous.

I don't allow time to be on my side.  If I prioritized myself accordingly - allowed myself to learn, to formulate, to evolve on the side of worldly as equal as on the side of philosophically - then maybe I could join time's ranks.  Be included into the fold.  I could establish an attitude, and a subsequent habit, of spending my time wisely... of spending all of my time wisely.

But I wonder who I would become when I do that?  Do I forego the last piece of who I became to who I should become?  Am I willing to trade that in, knowing full well the risk of whether the exchange would serve as an upsell, or a downgrade?

I'm wasting time writing this.  But the thought predominates what I should do right now.

And I ponder who else spends time along the same lines as I.

Hmmm.  The thin line between "ponder" and "wonder" is imagination.  Imagination, and an fundamental acceptance to an alternative.

I just thought of that.  Those are the types of things that I spend my time on.  Worthless, unproductive dribble like that.  I need to change - in essence, I need to grow up.  And yet, I feel akin to these wanderings - these ramblings.

So utterly conflicted I am.  And now, time to go.

heh.

:)

Xmas is coming

... just trying to come to grips with where I am - as a husband, father, co-worker.

I'm wondering what more I can do with what less we have.

Merry Christmas to those who will celebrate this.  Happy Hanukkah to those who are celebrating currently.  Happy Kwanzaa for those who will celebrate this over the weekend and into next week.  Enjoy the rest of 2008 - here's to a successful and prosperous 2009.

life is a highway...

... the television sings to me in the background.

the kiddo watches her favorite movie at this time... chuckles, and mimics the staple characters in what they say... head slightly turned, looking picturesque.

I transition from her to the screen, and subsequently get sucked into the same animated feature I've seen time and time and time and time again.  I can't help but notice that I'm holding the same mannerisms, the same posture as her.

such a great girl, she is.  And the random grins that she throws at both me and the television when it comes to the parts she's really memorized (as opposed to just vaguely memorized) reinforces how great she truly is.

Wonderful Tonight

last night, my 2-year old sang to me the last verse of "Wonderful Tonight."

there are some things in this world that I wish I could capture permanently within my memory, like computer files.  This was one of those things.  While she sang to me, she looked me dead-in-the-eye.  And she sang so purely.  It was the right pitch, it wasn't the right chord, but she sang from the truest part of her.  She didn't even know it - but I could tell.

it was... well... wonderful.  So much so that I teared up.

there are some things in this world that I wish I could capture permanently within my memory.  Her singing to me last night is one of them.

thank you, kiddo, for doing that.  You always tend to make Daddy's heart sing with proud joy - but last night, I saw your sincerity.  And it was so humbling to see.