Time, Time, Time...

... is on my side.  The song highlighted by the movie "Fallen" is now so... eerie... when I hear it.

It also rings false.

Time isn't really on my side.  Or, rather - maybe I'm not on its.

I waste time.  I let it drip away, without holding true that which is true - the moment that I exist in.  Now.  Conceivably, I don't know if I've dreamed that which I've wanted metaphysically - only that which is tangible, that which if I tried hard enough... and worked hard enough... and manipulated hard enough... I could achieve.  I could grasp that which eludes me.  But some worldly principle - one that I respect and honor with the ounces which consume me - withholds me for taking advantage.  It's self-disappointing (and I'm sure it is indirectly to my wife and, for now, unknowingly to the kiddo), but I hold it true.  Dear.  It is the direction I've chosen - to work humbly and honorably at what I acheive.  (Yet, in the depths of my mind - or, rather my guilt - I know I haven't worked as honorably as others have in getting what they've gotten.)

My priorities are always scattered - anonymous - with little purpose and less cause.  I can throw it out that I'm not hardwired for that... that I never grew up that way... which has its own validity.  But I choose to keep this afloat frame of mind afoot.  I have decided subconsciously (which the easy way to adverb-tise it) to remain scattered, anonymous.

I don't allow time to be on my side.  If I prioritized myself accordingly - allowed myself to learn, to formulate, to evolve on the side of worldly as equal as on the side of philosophically - then maybe I could join time's ranks.  Be included into the fold.  I could establish an attitude, and a subsequent habit, of spending my time wisely... of spending all of my time wisely.

But I wonder who I would become when I do that?  Do I forego the last piece of who I became to who I should become?  Am I willing to trade that in, knowing full well the risk of whether the exchange would serve as an upsell, or a downgrade?

I'm wasting time writing this.  But the thought predominates what I should do right now.

And I ponder who else spends time along the same lines as I.

Hmmm.  The thin line between "ponder" and "wonder" is imagination.  Imagination, and an fundamental acceptance to an alternative.

I just thought of that.  Those are the types of things that I spend my time on.  Worthless, unproductive dribble like that.  I need to change - in essence, I need to grow up.  And yet, I feel akin to these wanderings - these ramblings.

So utterly conflicted I am.  And now, time to go.

heh.

:)